i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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