does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
