i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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