dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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