do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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