Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
