this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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