I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
