I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
