One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
