I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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