Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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