god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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