Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
