He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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