I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
