dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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