my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
