someone threw a dead crab at me
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
