Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
