Ambien. No doubt about it.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
