I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize