He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
