She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
