So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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