i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
