i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
