So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
