I'm gonna have a badass scar
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
