1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
