Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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