I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
