Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Princesses don't give blow jobs
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I have fence marks all over my body
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