If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
