Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
