i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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