I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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