I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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