awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize