I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
