so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
