woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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