Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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