hotel room ftw
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
