Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
bring money and cleavage
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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