just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
