just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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