True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Please don't give away my fajitas
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
