I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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