You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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