There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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