Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
