So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
