Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
