I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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