She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
